We have layers upon layers to ourselves, which all deserve reconsideration in this profound season of change.
Ancient yogic wisdom refers to five ‘layers’ to the self, that, like an onion, 'cover' our ‘soul’, or deepest true self. These are called ‘koshas’. The physical and energetic body are the two outermost layers. The third is called the ‘manomaya kosha’ (‘manas’ meaning ‘mind’) and comprises consciousness, thoughts, personality, ego – everything that creates the sense of ourselves as ‘I’, separate from others.
Our common experience of manomaya kosha, or the thinking mind, is one of 'autopilot'. Our thoughts seem ‘true’. We are so used to the constant habitual nature of our thinking, and the opinions and stories we have formed over time, that we accept it as real. In fact, they are the lenses through which we experience the world. Some of these are easily recognised as just passing thoughts. Others, called 'samskaras' in Sanskrit (or ‘schemas’ in contemporary psychology), are deeply rooted patterns of thought or belief systems that cause life to be received by us in particular ways: ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘This should be different’, ‘It's my fault' are some common examples.
What yoga teaches is that underneath the thinking mind is the ‘wise mind’, or ‘vijnanamaya kosha’, which can observe the thinking and feeling body. It can allow for distance from ingrained, unconscious thinking patterns and open up opportunities for accepting ourselves as we are, and from there, considering different possible interpretations and perspectives, as well as different actions or choices.
What's any of this got to do with motherhood?
In her book ‘Mama Rising: Discovering the New You through Motherhood’, Amy Taylor-Kabbaz highlights how common it is for new mothers to place huge pressure on themselves to not only thrive in their new and hugely demanding role, but also seamlessly transition from the life and identity they have known up to that point to a completely new one. That society is responsible for minimising the magnitude of the transition a new mother has to go through makes it all the harder for us as individuals to recognise when we have internalised the idea that we should just cope, that most things are in our control and as a mother, our ultimate responsibility. Also, if we struggle at all, it must mean we are ungrateful, don’t truly love and appreciate the gift of motherhood, and/or need antidepressants (which you may indeed need, but not always, and/or them alone won’t fix everything necessarily, nor replace the need for a broader societal shift).
The thing is, we often retain many of the fixed beliefs about life and ourselves that oriented us before this seismic change of becoming a mother. We can use the same 'operating system', when really, it needs a total reconfiguration. This came into focus of late when I recognised the extent to which I was fixating on this idea of 'fairness', or more accurately, a lack of it, in terms of my partner. He is hugely helpful, it's not that - it's how much my life has changed compared to him, and how that didn't seem fair.
The thing is: it's not! The rules of engagement have profoundly changed. The yardsticks, the markers of achievement, the resources, the priorities - it's all totally different once you have a child.
Taylor-Kabbaz emphasises that becoming a mother is a huge transition akin to toddlerhood, adolescence and retirement, where literally everything changes. As such, it is an especially important time to practice noticing the habitual thoughts we have about motherhood and ourselves as mothers. Notice the nature of thinking moment to moment. Is it fixated on there being an answer that would make everything easier? Sleep, feeding, routines? Not to say these things aren’t important or helpful to a point. But there is a much greater context of personal transformation that is playing out as well as the day to day of nappies and naps: a new chapter of your life is in its earliest stages.
What is on offer here for us in the context of yoga in early motherhood?
According to Taylor-Kabbaz, it starts with deep honouring and self-compassion of yourself just as you are. Further, recognising your experience as part of the eternal collective experience of mothering. You are not the first. You are not the only.
Meditation and movement are practices that allow us to become more attuned to the layers that make up our being. For example, by paying particular attention to moving and strengthening our body, we become more intentional and specific about how we literally are in the world, physically embodied. How we stand, breathe, walk, lift.
By paying attention to our thoughts, non-judgementally, we can be lifted out of the trance of unworthiness, control, perfection.
We might have moments of feeling more considered, less threatened. Not all the time of course! Yoga and meditation does absolutely not mean life is serene and your toddler always eats vegetables and your clothes don’t have spitup on them. It just means your experience of all that is different: hopefully, more accepting, and present to what is, rather than what our chattering mind likes to tell us it all means.
The ego is an incredible debater – it has endless material and can summon it at a moment’s notice as proof of whatever agenda it is pushing. It is very fixed on analysis of your lived experience as separate and unique. But what is on offer, through mindful awareness and movement, is the opportunity to expand our field of awareness and reframe our experiences, thoughts and feelings in early motherhood. A new ‘version’ of ourselves might emerge, and through it, increased compassion and empathy for all mothers, and beings, everywhere.
Try it:
Over a day or two pay attention to any strong thoughts or beliefs you have about motherhood, yourself as a mother, this phase of life. How things ‘should’ be. Consciously replace any strong thoughts about motherhood and yourself as a mother with one that feels real for you—such as “I am free to choose how I think about this” or “There is another way to see this.” Notice how you feel over the coming days, when you practice zooming out from fixed habitual thinking to recognise your experience as greater, more expansive and connected to others than the ego might have you believe.
Comments