Training the core offers us a change to tune into exactly what is right for us in a given moment
Early motherhood is a time where we look to the consensus for guidance on many topics. Many a WhatsApp thread has been filled with ‘Did you…?’ ‘Has anyone…?’ 'How do I...?'
It is completely natural (and helpful, sometimes) to learn from the experiences and knowledge of others. What can become tricky is that there are many areas of life where this is no categorical single answer or ‘right way’. The default, in these situations, often becomes what is ‘popular’, or ‘best’, which is often related to market forces: what is most lovely to look at, what is most expensive, what has the most ‘followers’. But the market, and the media, including social, are not discerning or trustworthy determiners of what is right for you.
A mum who was less than a week postpartum texted me the other day to say ‘What did you guys do about dummies? There is so much conflicting information. I wish we had a cultural consensus on this.’
Sometimes, what is ‘right’ is so widely accepted by our social circle or society that it does seem completely obvious and natural that it just is what’s right, or best. But more often, when we examine closely, we realise it is a consensus that has been reached by just a proportion of opinions, loud though they might be, and the opposing opinion may be right too, for some people in some circumstances. And sometimes there are loud voices on both sides.
Popularity is not an indicator of what is right for you. It might be a helpful guide. But if it is the only guide, we have lost connection to our inner knowing. Our own true sense of what might be right for us in that moment (which is allowed to change, by the way. It is our right to decide to do XYZ then change our mind).
When we lose a connection to our inner life, when we do not prioritise listening to our deepest, wisest part of ourselves, we are more susceptible to uncertainty, and influence from forces, like the market, that may not serve us well. We are more likely to seek a version of success or happiness that either isn’t actually what we want deep down or isn’t going to ever deliver its promises. The more likely we are to feel anxious thinking that small choices, particularly in parenting, have a significance which they just don't have. (I teach teenagers, and I really wonder how much any of the choices I worry about with my son will have any influence on the 17 year old boy he becomes.)
A choice I found really painful in the early months with my first son was that we had to mix feed. Ridiculous, I know, but every time I couldn't say I was 'exclusively' breastfeeding, I felt terrible shame. It was the right decision for us, and I have been so much more confident and relaxed about this second time around with our younger son.
It’s the shittest when you’re so tired and you just want someone to tell you what to do. And sometimes that is helpful, because it alerts you to the fact you want to do the opposite anyway. But by practicing first listening, based on what you know you truly value, and waiting for your choice to emerge, it will strengthen your ability to listen, so it becomes easier over time. The ‘answers’ are always already inside of us, if we truly, truly listen. And they present as a kind of calm knowing, rather than a nervous scrolling.
I’m starting to realise parenting is probably just one big lifetime of making the best call you can, owning your choice, and dealing with the consequences with grace.
What’s this got to do with core? Whilst I historically thought of core strength as very connected to aesthetic appearance, or yang exercise, I am realising it actually has yin qualities too. A strong core allows our nervous system to relax, knowing the body is safe to move in a wide range of motions. Our posture can adopt its most efficient and aligned position. Our belly knows how to inflate and fill our body with deep breaths, as well as contract to expel air.
What I love about yoga is the opportunity to continually deepen how sensitively I can pay attention to my physical body. Exactly where it needs to be contracted, released, strengthened, mobilised, softened. And through that practice of coming to know myself intimately, and forever being able to learn more, pay closer attention still, I hope to be able to listen to my deepest self off the mat. To occasionally consciously reject what might be ‘popular’, based on an innate sense it is not right for me, and to feel calm and confident in doing that.
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